Jennifer is finally done

Celebrity real estate watchers around the globe have been sitting on pins and needles, jumpy with anticipation wanting some 411 on the the Beverly Hills, CA house that former Friends star turned romantic comedy queen Jennifer Aniston has been renovating for the last couple of years. Finally, now that she's finished the do-over and moved her skinny butt into the house, she's had it photographed for Architectural Digest so that she could "celebrate the people who made it: the master craftsman who poured so much of themselves into its creation." Those master craftsman would surely include her very well known, celeb-friendly dee-ziner Stephen Shadley who has also worked on several homes for Diane Keaton and Woody Allen. Several of the pieces were purchased from my husbands gallery so we are excited to get the latest edition of the magazine.

Anyhoo, Miz Aniston purchased the Bev Hills hideaway in October of 2006 for $13,500,000 from big-time contemporary art collector Rosette Delug. Miz Delug, whose wealth is mainly derived from an enviable dee-vorce settlement in the early 2000s, had only purchased the house two years before, in September of 2004, for $7,200,000. Miz Aniston really must have wanted this damn house because she just about doubled Miz Delug's dollars. The very interesting and sassy Miz Delug is, for all the children who don't know, a late comer to the upper end contemporary art collecting circles in which she now orbits but she is well known in the art world for sucking up artwork like a Hoover and, according to a previous article about Miz Delug, she has what she calls a "vagina wall" in her mid-century modern Trousdale Estates home where she's hung a number of works by various artists whose subject matter is the hoo-hoo. We l.o.v.e. her and would d.i.e. for her to be our art world fairy godmother. However, much as we might prefer, we're not here to discuss Miz Delug and her wacky art world ways. We're here to have a look see at Miz Aniston's new real estate baby so let's get started.

Miz Aniston's new nest, located up a long, curving and paparazzi thwarting driveway, was originally designed by noted architect Hal Levitt in the early 1970s. Property records show that at the time Miz Aniston snatched it up, the single story sprawler measured 9,105 square feet and included 6 bedrooms, 7 poopers and 4 fireplaces. We're not sure how true to Mister Levitt's original designs Mister Shadley and Miz Aniston stayed, and we don't know how many bedrooms and poopers the house now contains, but we do know–because we have a copy of the magazine–that Miz Aniston did away with the "his" pooper in the master suite, turning it into a spa bath with a soo-blime soaking tub fashioned of wood. We're not convinced this doing away of the men's room is some kind of sign or symbol of Miz Aniston's romantic loneliness or that she's a man hater burned by a broken heart one too many times, but it seems that most of the other snarky gossip blogs and tabloids do.

I'm not going to go on too much about the details of Miz Aniston's day-core–we'll leave that to the children–but I will say that I find the interior spaces to be sophisticated and warm but also muscular and even masculine but with a delicious softness around the edges. Some blogs and whatevers are saying this is her decorative homage to being a single lady, where she will whittle away her middle age with Botox and man blues. Could be. What do I know? But, we're pretty sure that the sort of man Miz Aniston dates–and we can all be assured she will date again because she is a dater–will feel quite comfortable in this house that doesn't, as far as we can see, whisper with much heartache or desperation. In fact, it sort of feels like with this monolithic overhaul that, au contraire, Miz Aniston may very well be finally owning her life as it is and not what it could have been had she sayed married and gone the mommy route. Of course, I think nine and some thousand square feet is too damn big for one person to ramble around in, but I'm also well acquainted with the real estate size queen proclivities of super star actor types like Miz Aniston who seem to need big houses to contain their big personalities, bigger egos and punishing insecurities.

Moving along...I'm positively swooning and sweating over the mirror image wood paneling of Brazilian curmaru in the living room or the library or whatever that room is where Miz Aniston has hung that marvelous orange and lavender Robert Motherwell painting called A Throw of the Dice No. 17. (Damn gurl, you got yerself a Robert Motherwell painting!) Unless Miss Thing actually plays that blond baby grand–which according to A.D. is a 1960s fruitwood Sauter–it's just pretentious decorative overkill as far as Your Mama is concerned. We're also more than a mite concerned that there are actual cigarette packs–custom wrapped in the same blue-y lavender as in Mister Motherwell's painting–sitting in the Jacques Adnet designed ashtray. We know that Miz Aniston likes to suck on them cancer sticks and it's her right to do so iffin that's what she wants to do. However, it pains Your Mama to think of all that gorgeous woodwork and those a-may-zing eggplant colored velvet chairs soaking up the stink of cigarettes. Let Your Mama tell all you smokers something straight up: All the Febreeze in the world does not take the stench and stank of nicotine away once it weaves its way in the fiber of the fabrics and attaches itself to the paint molecules. The only solution is to throw that shit out. We say this as a former pack a day smoker, children. We know first hand all about the lingering odor of smoking that gets all up in the fabrics and paint and it's awful. Just awful.

I'm feeling the Asian influence in the bedroom with the wool and silk shag rug and the low low low platform bed custom designed by Mister Shadley. I'm also appreciating the over-sized matching pair of table lamps. Ordinarily I prefer a room be balanced in a more asymetrical manner, but in this case I like that the left looks exactly like the right.

We ache to see photos of the dining room where guests are summoned by Miz Aniston or her house gurl smacking a giant Thai gong. According to A.D. the dining room seats 24 under an Alison Berger chandelier, which we assume is custom. If y'all don't know Miss Berger's work, get on the interweb and get your fingers clicking and a'clacking. She's nine kinds of good at what she does. We'd also like to see more of the kitchen which is all decked out in travertine and equipped with a wood burning pizza oven–one of those new(ish) celebrity trends in cookery that we don't care about–and a glassed in wine room that has the Dr. Cooter peeing his pants with envy.

Now children, before y'all go crying and whining about how the house looks sterile or like a hotel suite at the 4-seasons in Bali, please keep in mind that before a photo was snapped each of these pictured rooms was cleared of the mess of daily life–magazines, scripts, remote controls, cell phones, keys and eyeglass cases for example–and worked over hard by a stylist whose job it is to make everything look perfect...not lived in, perfect. We used to get the lived in look in the fab but defunct Nest magazine, but this is Architectural Digest people. Houses in A.D. aren't supposed to look lived in. They're supposed to look like an undisturbed decortive perfection preserved and pickled in a giant vitrine of photographic formaldehyde. We're quite sure that when the A.D. people packed up when home, the clutter of Miz Aniston's life returned.

Miz Aniston gave her new estate the name Ohana, which means (extended) family in Hawaiian. I happen to think that's a depressingly cheese ball name, but I'm cynical that way. Even still and although I don't care for the sorts of romantic comedies 0f Miz Aniston's professional milieu, I do wish her a bit of peace and quiet in her new home.

Miz Aniston–who donated half a million clams to Haiti relief–continues to own a house high in the Bird Streets area of Los Angeles–that's above Sunset Plaza people–that she bought way back in January of 1993 for just $715,000. It's our understanding from someone with an intimate knowledge of the area immediately surrounding that house that she uses the house to store her vintage Mercedes 280SL–that she claims she's never drove or even rode in–and office space for her personal staff.

One of Tiger's whores will be moving on up...

The whore of the decade I mean week has decided to put her condo up for sale. Tiger Woods mistress can now move on up to the east side since rumor has it that ninja paid her a nice sum of cash to keep her mouth shut.

SELLAR: Rachel Uchitel
LOCATION: Turnberry Place, Las Vegas, NV
PRICE: $1,350,000
SIZE: 1,556 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Decorator furnished designer ground floor penthouse. 14 ft. ceilings and floor to ceiling windows. HUGE private terrace, approx. 1,700 sq. ft. with views of lush landscaping and Hilton neon sign. Private walk and entrance to pool. An entertainers dream!


Tiger's penthouse measures 1,556 square feet, has another 1,700-ish square feet of private terrace and includes 2 bedrooms and 2 poopers.

We don't have a clue if Miss Uchitel and her nice, gay decorator are the folks responsible for the chocolate and cream colored decorating scheme or if it was a previous owner who made the mistake of green-lighting the installation of that upsetting and decoratively undignified copper mosaic tiled wall in the living room. Making the deeply disturbing mosaic matters worse is the dizzying, puzzle-like shelving unit installed on top of that glimmery and shimmery wall, which might be appropriate for a nightclub but not, and I repeats, not for a private residence. Ever. To the living/dining room's credit, there is a fab 14-foot ceiling and a long wall of floor to ceiling glass.

The gore-may kitchen is open to the combination living/dining room and has an unfortunate view of that ridiculous tile situation. The angled, galley kitchen features flat fronted wood cabinetry with an unusual but kind of nice of moiré effect, speckled beige and chocolate brown granite counter tops, a breakfast bar perfect for guests to sit and imbibe booze while the hostess makes dinner, and a full suite of top notch appliances including a Sub-Zero fridge and a Gaggenau range top.

According to listing information, the second bedroom–currently containing an cargo-ship sized desk–has a "built-in Asian Cabana," whatever that is, and a back wall punished by a grid of nine mirrored squares on which drunken guests might choose to play tic-tac-toe with lipstick. The master bedroom, all fabric walls and mood lighting, has electronically controlled curtains–which I loves–and a biscuit and beige marble pooper with built in cabinetry, a jetted tub and a separate shower stall.

One of the better amenities of Miss Uchitel's "ground floor penthouse" is the tremendous 1,700-ish square foot terrace that provides private access to one of the complex's many swimming pools. Unfortunately the terrace appears to be little more than a sizable slab of poured concrete with a few pieces of outdoor furniture tucked up into the corner, but that's easily remedied by a smart landscape architect. Other tidbits and treats include a custom sound system, touch pad controlled lighting and dimmers, and flat screen boob-toobs in every room. The Turnberry Place complex offers residents secured grounds, a 24-hour doorman, limo and valet service, exercise facilities and a multiple swimming pools. The Stirling Club, located in the heart of the complex offers fine dining options to invited members and their guests only.

Miss Uchitel currently resides in New York City so it's unclear how much or how often she uses her Las Vegas crib. Frankly, the place looks like it was staged by Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota so we kinda doubt she camps out there at all anymore. But as y'all know, I don't know nuthin' from a coffee cup. So really, who knows? Or maybe, who cares?

Tiger Woods and his obviously hurt and angry wife Elin have been living behind the gates of the Isleworth Golf and Country Club in Windermere, FL while building a major modern manse on 12-ish waterfront acres on Jupiter Island's S. Beach Road that The Palm Beach Post's gossip Jose Lambiet cattily described as a cross between a "Motel 6 and a beachside nursing home." Amid new and scandalous reports that Mister Woods may have had as many as 10 mistresses, the New York Post reported that last week–somehow, in the midst of all this tabloid fury–Mrs. Woods paid $2,290,000 for a house on an island near Stockholm in her native Sweden.

Leona moving on up

BUYER: Leona Lewis
LOCATION: Astral Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,850,000
SIZE: 3,946 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning California Compound!...Security & Seclusion in a Private Gated Community! Designer Courtyard Entry has 4Bdrm Main House w/ Incredible High Ceilings, Exquisite Tuscan Details & Amazing Family rm/Kitchen! Across the Courtyard is a GuestHouse with its own Garage! 4 Separate Outdoor Entertaining Areas: Waterfall, Pool & Spa, Firepit, Garden Walkways, BBQ Kitchen, & Grassy Yard. Parking Galore!

Welcome to the neighborhood!!!!

Halle will no longer be my neighbor

SELLER: Halle Berry
LOCATION: Benedict Canyon Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $5,000,000
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One-of-a-kind rustic & private Old-World Mediterranean graced by magnificent gardens, al fresco dining and seating area, fire pit and sumptuous stone spa in a verdant canon setting. The vibe is majestic but casual, with vaulted heavy wood-beamed ceilings, wide-planked wood floors, fireplaces, a dramatic staircase, banks of French doors/windows & a master suite tub carved out of stone. Gourmet cook's kitchen. State of the art Crestron system.

In October of 2008 the dee-lishus diva and her equally dee-lishus male model baby daddy Gabriel Aubry reportedly purchased a country getaway in St. Hippolyte, a teeny-tiny town in the Canadian boonies about an hour or so north of Montreal.
Six months earlier, in July of 2005 she gave child actor turned race car driver Frankie Muniz $5,995,000 for his N. Doheny Drive domicile which she proceeded to gut and remodel. In October of 2004, the very well paid actress spent a reported $8,000,000 on a 5 bedroom and 4 pooper ocean front contemporary on Malibu Cove Colony Drive that records show she still owns.

But even before that, in October of 2001, shortly after she married that moe-ron Eric Benét who philandered his way to dee-vorce and virtual obscurity, property records reveal that Miss Berry bought a casa on lower Benedict Canyon Drive in the Bev Hills for $2,275,000. It's that house, I'm gonna discuss this morning because thanks to Big Dave at Celebrity Address Aerial, it has come to our attention that Miss Berry has listed the secluded and serene property with an asking price of $5,000,000.

Listing information and property records show the pleasantly private property spans 1.33 hillside acres that climb up the canyon and includes a main house built in 1948 that measures 2,274 square feet. We happen to know–don't bother to ask why because my lips are sealed–that it was not Miss Berry or her team of nice, gay decorators, ladee deeziners and smart architects who transformed this 2 bedroom and 2 pooper property into a rustic, elegant and ancient-looking Mediterranean with sand colored stone walls, wide plank wood floors, wood-beamed vaulted ceilings, antique wooden doors, and intricately scrolled wrought iron banisters. That was done some time before she snatched up the place. It's our understanding that Miss Berry now lives in the above mentioned estate she bought from Frankie Muniz so Your Mama is going to assume that the lovely ladee and her real estate people had this property staged because it's almost beyond our admittedly limited capacity to imagine that when Miss Berry vacated the premises that she left a lap blanket not so casually laid across a deep, upholstered chair on the terrace, stacks of books on the tables in the living room, jars of lotions and potions in the master bathroom or a bottle of wine sitting on the kitchen counter top.

A long, gated celebrity style stone driveway gently climbs the hillside and makes a hairpin turn before terminating in a large motor court and two-car garage. A pathway lined with lush landscaping leads to the antique wood front door and a gracefully curving and prom dress worthy staircase with wrought iron banisters. The modestly sized house contains a living room with a fireplace flanked by French doors that open to a terrace, heavy wood-beamed and wonderfully vaulted ceiling and a lot of comfortable looking beige upholstered furniture and knick-knacks that look like they might have come out of some remote and rusty Italian villa. It's all a bit fussy looking and reminiscent of what a decorator might think a modern day castle ought to look like, but it's also a well conceived with lots of beige and muted shades of red. See children, there really is a way to do all-beige or mostly beige day-core in a manner that does not scream suburban mcmansion in an over-priced and homogeneous gated community. Anyhoo, the slightly too narrow dining room, done up in a Gothic, Knights of the Round Table sort of thing, has towering stone walls, a row of windows that open to the property's gardens and a dee-voonly over sized chandelier.

The galley kitchen may be narrow and without proper windows for ventilation, but it's fitted with a granite counter tops, expensive commercial grade appliances and honey colored wood cabinetry that looks like it's been stripped and pickled. Besides that mac-daddy range, this isn't what Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would ever choose to do with a kitchen, but at least it's not one of those cookie cutter numbers being oppressed with copious amounts of carved detailing, unnecessarily complicated corbels, and black granite or, jeezis help us all, one of those horrid tile murals of "Tuscany" installed on the wall behind the range. A cozy, nearby breakfast nook is lit by skylights.

There are more wood-beamed and vaulted ceilings in the master bedroom which has been did up all romantic-like with a fireplace, gold mirror, chandelier, and big bed, a real Utopian vision that's only missing rose petals and 100 candles. The amorous mood moves into the master pooper which mixes a monumental, free standing stone bathtub for two with a crystal chandelier and a view of into the tree tops.

The grounds and gardens of Miss Berry's Bev Hills hideaway climb up the hillside and are lavishly but comfortably done with stone pathways, potted plants, inviting terraces, an "L" shaped fire pit surrounded by a stone bench with comfy cushions and a half moon spa set up against the hillside and surrounded by verdant vegetation.

Although it's not clear to Your Mama when Miss Berry last occupied the residence–maybe this is where she shacked up while doing over her N. Doheny Drive digs?–some of the areas newest residents include Oscar nominated actress Amy Adams (Julie & Julia, Doubt, Sunshine Cleaning, Junebug) and her not nearly as accomplished but just as fetching fiancé, actor Darren Le Gallo, who recently scooped up a renovated ranch home on Benedict Canyon Drive for $1,825,000.

What's also unclear is if Miss Berry and her baby daddy have a New York City residence. The last I heard on that matter was way back in 2007 when our dearly departed friend Braden Keil wrote in his Gimme Shelter column in the New York Post that the comely couple checked out an $8,500,000 condo at at the Jean Nouvel designed 40 Mercer Residences in SoHo. It does not appear they picked up that condo but we would not be surprised to learn from Max Abelson at the NY Observer or one of the other New York City celebrity real estate watchers that Miss Berry bought something else.

Whitney puts her New Jersey Mansion up for sale

SELLER: Whitney Houston
LOCATION: North Gate Road, Mendham Township, NJ
PRICE: $2,500,000
SIZE: 12,561 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary living space abound in this stunning home on a peaceful, gated 5 acre lot. Soaring ceilings, abundant natural light, and circular-themed interior spaces are the hallmarks of this home.


Property records indicate Ms. Houston snatched up her circular-themed mansion in Mendham Township during the height of her fame in July of 1987. Records show the North Gate Road estate sprawls across 5.1 gated acres and includes a meandering, multi-winged modern mansion the measures a hefty 12,561 square feet.

Listing information reveals Ms. Houston's home contains 5 bedrooms with 4 full and 2 half bathrooms including a round master bedroom painted a hair raising shade of peach that makes Your Mama want to run bamboo shoots into our eyeballs. The massive master bedroom has a curving wall of floor to ceiling glass that looks out on to the back yard, another wall of frosted, curving glass that acts as an interior wall, wall to wall carpeting and a built in bed sitting atop a circular platform.

A wide walkway though the neglected landscaping in the front yard leads to the front door which opens to a long, gently curving entrance hall with a peach colored tile floor that is separated from the circular living room by a curving curtain of Frank Lloyd Wright-ish stained glass. The "formal" living room has 4 or more puffy white sofas lined up along a soaring wall of curving glass with sheer drapery, a monolithic stone fireplace, a sunken bar with swiveling barrel "bar stools," a massive dome-like sky light and wall to wall carpeting.

The large dining room also has peach colored tile floors, a curving wall of floor to ceiling glass, and a long, glass dining room table with 10 chairs that went out of style way back in 1987. The kitchen has more peach colored tile floors, a large work island with a circular sky light over head, white cabinetry, and a dark peach tile back splash. The kitchen opens to the family room which has, yes, even more peach colored tile floors, a fireplace, a long curving wall of floor to ceiling windows that have been swagged with a yellow schmatta.

Whitney also owns the house next door, at 1 Cross Way, which she picked up in July of 1993 for $573,477. Presumably this house was used for staff, family, guests or perhaps as recording studio. That house was also listed for sale in mid-September with an asking price of $949,900 but appears to be under contract and no longer available. The property, connected to the first only by a meandering pathway, measures 5.07 acres and includes a 3,410 square foot house (as per assessor) with 3 bedrooms, 3 poopers, an indoor lap swimming pool and a full size basketball court in the back yard, and a children's playground.

Courtesy of The Real Estalker